The only reason I’m keeping it a secret is because I secretly hope it happens again.
I walked into a breeding ground of people like him looking for someone like me and someone like me looking for exactly him. I had never been to this place before and I was assured it was filled with college boys and drunk college girls. Of course, we fit in perfectly. As I stumbled into this gigantic bar I had only two thoughts: God I wish I hadn’t of downed that bottle of wine and God I wish I could find someone to flirt with tonight. Lucky for me, I was becoming oddly sober by the presence of all these people. But not for long as a beer was placed in front of me.
I saw him from the moment I sat down. Its like we locked eyes or something. Its like this magnet was drawing us towards each other and I wasn’t about to sit there and ignore this force. I unzipped my jacket as he watched, smiled and winked at me. I thought to myself, “is he really looking at me?” I looked behind me to see if he was making these faces at someone else. Nope. It was all me. All systems go.
I sipped a few from my beer and finally built up the courage to go say hello. He told me instantly he noticed me from the second I walked in. Being my drunk self I was all like, well theres a million pretty girls here! He said he agreed, but they were nothing like me.
His name was Jason. But I liked to call him Jay. And it wouldn’t be the first time I would say Jay that night .. or the only. We proceeded to talk about school, his life, my life, what bullshit he was feeding me, what bullshit I was feeding him. I knew it was just what I wanted and there was no way I was letting him go. He was perfect. All 6 foot, muscular, perfect.
I was looking for ways for him to invite me back to his place. I was looking for a lot that night and oddly enough, I found everything I wanted.
We hopped in a cab where I had this sudden moment of “What the fuck am I doing”? I knew this guy for an hour. I assured myself everything would be alright. If I was in trouble, my friends would come save me. Something or someone would save me that night. In a way he kind of did. I searched for familiar street intersections in case I needed to make a break away in the morning. It was all a blurr. It all became to blurry the second he put his hand on my thigh, the moment his lips touched mine, the minute he whispered my name in my ear. I was gone by this point. I didn’t care about anything.
We arrived at his bachelor pad at about 2 a.m. I was impressed. Clean. Roomy. In a what seemed to be rich neighbourhood. I went to the washroom, fixed my hair, made sure I had nothing in my teeth and came out to wander anything that he was hiding. Seemed normal. He came out from the washroom, picked me up and threw me on the wall. So gone by this point.
He threw me onto his bed where we started to undress each other. His body was carved and mine wasn’t. Who cares. I loved every moment in his arms. Even in the wee hours of the morning.
We fell asleep quickly and woke up several hours later. It happened again. Like clock work. He lay on top of me and all I could think of was did it really just happen? And I’ll probably never see you again. He drove me home at about 7:30. There was nothing to talk about in the car. He didn’t ask for my phone number and I didn’t ask for his. It seemed useless. He thanked me for a good night. I said I would see him later but lets be real, I probably wont. I wonder if I’m now carrying a piece of him everywhere I go. I’ve come to terms that some things are just meant to be left untouched. But he touched me. And I touched him. But as always, I sit here finding myself upset I fell for all of it. It was so worth it though, Jay.